


Should I tell you?

by vivaldis_lover



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, Love Confessions, Mutual Pining, Unresolved Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-01-27 03:34:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21385405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vivaldis_lover/pseuds/vivaldis_lover
Summary: Beau is pining, Jester is pining and neither of them has a clear idea what they should do next. Until Beau goes down in battle
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Beauregard Lionett
Comments: 6
Kudos: 133





	Should I tell you?

**Author's Note:**

> Barely edited, sorry. I vomited this very quickly and I didn't have the strength to read this more than once

_“Beau Beau is there oh my Gods oh why does she look so beautiful she’s so drunk why is she so beautiful look at her cheeks all red she’s sweating it’s so hot here hot Beau’s hot she said I’m hot I liked that I liked that too much oh I’m blushing too I know but she’s so cool and she hugs me and she carries me and and and our room it’s our room oh dear I share a room with her oh no oh I don’t want to talk I’ll have to talk I will talk why did I drink I should have said no but she wanted me to try this thing it burned and oh no she‘s looking at me what do I do what do I do…”_

These thoughts and more were running through Jester’s drunk brain. She shouldn’t have tried that spirit, she was not used to alcohol and her current state was proof of that. She had a hard time sitting straight and keeping her head up high. It just kept swinging left and right and she couldn’t stop giggling at everything that Nott said. Nott wasn’t in a better state either, but it was normal seeing Nott like that.

Jester’s eyes met Caduceus’, who was the only member of the group still completely sober. Serene eyes, like usual, maybe a little worried? Jester had drunk only once before, after all.

Her eyes went back to Beau, who was loudly singing with the other costumers in a tavern of Rosohna, where they had come to drink enough times to be considered regular costumers. Most people didn’t look at the human members of the group with wary eyes anymore. Some, the ones who rarely came to this place, who were not used to their behavior, still looked with discontent and sometimes outright hostility at the group, especially when they were being this loud.

Jester didn’t care about them. Jester was looking at Beau, who was waving a pint and keeping the rhythm of the music with her foot, her eyes closed and cheeks flushed. A little drop of sweat rolled from her neck into her top. Jester followed the movement of that tiny drop of water, aware of the fact that she would have had to explain herself if she had been caught staring like that, but too little in control to avert her gaze.

_“I like her, don’t I?” _she thought.

She liked her, yes.

What could she do? She didn’t know what to do! Her books had never taught her anything about a girl falling in love with another girl. And apparently they had never taught her anything about a girl falling in love with a boy either. They ahd never taught her anything. Stupid books.

She felt Nott skitter away and watched the goblin walk up to Caleb and sit next to him. She stared into her glass with melancholic eyes. She wanted Beau next to her. It was reassuring having her close, feeling her skin, the rustle of her clothes, the sound of her laugh. She was always so pretty when she laughed.

And Beau sat next to her, like she had heard her thoughts.

“Jessieee,” she slurred, her breath smelling of beer and liquors.

“Hi, Beau!” said Jester, immediately putting on a smile.

Beau’s forehead hit Jester’s shoulder, a gesture that was unclear if it was intentional or not, but that made Jester smile a little more genuinely.

“Hey, Jester,” whispered Beau, raising her head and looking her friend dead in the eye. “I know a secret.”

“A secret?”

“Yeah!”

“What secret?” asked Jester, leaning towards Beau.

Beau looked around surreptitiously. “I know you were sad.”

Jester giggled.

“It’s not a secret if it’s false!”

Beau squinted at her. She looked like she wanted to say something else, but then she went back to her drink. She finished the last few swigs of her pint.

At that point Caduceus decided to try and get his friends to go to sleep. Dragging them along the road to their den was like herding cats for the poor firbolg, but he managed to get everyone home safely. She and Beau stumbled into their room, holding onto each other. They were giggling, but Jester couldn’t remember what about. She could barely find her bed, before dropping on it, still laughing.

“Hey, Beau?” she said.

“Mmh?”

“What do you like about girls?”

Beau rolled down her bed and fell on the carpet between their beds.

“What do you mean?” asked Beau.

“I mean…” Jester tried to find her way out of the drunken fog in her brain. “What are the parts that make you go, _’oh, she’s so pretty, I like her so much!’_, you understand?”

“Oh, _that_,” said Beau.

She fell silent for a while. Jester rolled onto her stomach and stared at the her friend’s long limbs scattered on the floor.

“Well,” stared Beau. “When they’re strong, you know. But not just in a _oh, look, I punch things_ kind of way. Reani was strong.”

At the mention of the druid, Jester flinched.

“And I like them if they can, uh. How do I say it?” She paused. “Boss me around a little.”

Jester’s mind immediately went places. She blushed.

“_Oh_,” said Jester.

“Wait, no, don’t go there!” exclaimed Beau, slightly panicked.

“Too late!”

Beau dropped her head heavily on the floor. “I didn’t mean this to turn sexual.”

Jester shuffled in her bed. “I don’t mind if it does…”

Beau shot her a funny look. “Alright.” She sat up. “Yeah, I like when the other takes the lead. I like if she’s a little rough. I like it if she hurts me, if I ask her to.”

Jester felt the tips of her ears flare up. “You’re a naughty one, Beau,” she said, jokingly.

“So I’ve been told,” smiled Beau.

Jester smiled too and then lowered her head.

“Jester, what’s making you so sad?”

Beau’s question caught her with her guard down.

“Uh?”

“I can see from a mile away that you’re bummed, Jessie. What’s wrong?”

“I-“

_“I think I like you? But what does that mean? I’ve always liked you. We were friends from the start, how could I have not liked you? And what becomes of our friendship, if I tell you? You think I like guys. I do like guys, just not _only_ guys.”_

“I don’t know. I’m just a little sad,” she answered.

It was not entirely false. Out of everything that was happening in her head, she could not figure out what caused her so much sadness. If she had a crush, why did it not make her giddy and excited? She was confused, and confusion made her frustrated, and frustration made her want to cry, and maybe she looked sad because of that? Maybe.

“Well, we are going through a lot. Yasha’s gone. We are far from home. And sometimes drinking makes you sad, did you know that?”

Beau looked at Jester’s tired eyes.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have insisted on you trying those spirits. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, Beau! I liked them. I just don’t want to drink them ever again.”

Beau laughed and got to her feet. Jester watched the muscles that Beau’s top left uncovered move under the woman’s skin as she stretched. Every time Jester watched Beau move, she thought about cats. Beau moved like a cat, light and fast, strong and deadly.

“Alright, Jessie. Next time, just milk for you. But you’ll have to carry me home.”

Jester smiled. “I will gladly do that.”

Beau got into bed and turned to face Jester with a sleepy smile.

“Good night, Jess,” she whispered.

“’night, Beau.”

She turned the other way and tried to fall asleep. A few minutes later, when the house was finally completely quiet, and she couldn’t fall asleep, she turned to face Beau again. The monk’s face was peaceful for once.

“Hey, Beau?”

“Mmh?” replied the woman, between sleep and vigil.

“… I’ll tell you later.”

*

Beau couldn’t sleep. Probably because of all the alcohol. She kept rolling around on her bed, trying to be as quiet as possible as to not wake up Jester. The girl’s light snoring usually helped her fall asleep, but that night she was too on the edge to tolerate _any_ noise.

She faced Jester. Her hair was falling on her face in a way that made it look like the girl had a fake mustache. A little bit of saliva had made a spot on the pillow. She smiled sadly.

She had been so lucky meeting Jester, but she didn’t feel very lucky in that moment.

It was probably already the early hours of the morning, when she got out of bed, and quietly went in the kitchen to have a hot drink. Maybe some tea would have helped her clear her mind and relax.

“Hello there.”

She almost screamed when she heard Caduceus’ voice. The firbolg was sitting at the table, holding a cup.

“And what are _you_ doing here?” asked Beau.

“What are _you _doing here. You should rest.”

Beau took a cup from the cupboard and sat at the table. “Can’t sleep. And you?”

“I have slept enough for now. Maybe I’ll sleep some more later. Now,” he said, raising the steaming teapot, “now it’s time for tea.”

He gestured towards Beau’s cup and she lean towards him, so he could fill the mug with the tea.

“What’s troubling you?” asked Caduceus.

Beau blew on the warm water and stared at the leaves moving in it.

“I don’t think that’s something you’d understand.”

Caduceus looked a little hurt.

“Ah, shit, no, sorry,” stammered Beau. “I didn’t mean that- You just don’t seem the type to, you know-“

“Ah,” said Caduceus. “I see. Yeah, that’s true. I can’t really help you with that.” And he went silent.

Beau drank her tea and neither of them said anything for a while. Then, Caduceus spoke again.

“But you know, Beau,” he started as he got up to wash the kettle. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong or shameful with caring so much about someone. And a good deal of honesty always does miracles to a relationship, of any kind.”

And with that he left.

Beau stared at the empty chair for a while. It felt like she had just hallucinated Caduceus and had been talking on her own.

_“Ugh, honesty? No, thanks.”_

She went back to her room, to try and get some sleep.

When she walked into the room, she heard Jester move in her bed. For a moment she was afraid she might have woken her friend up, but then Jester mumbled something and went silent again, and the light snoring came back. Beau watched the serene, round face of her friend, feeling a sting of pain: maybe she was dreaming of some unnamed hero, or Fjord, or maybe even Caleb. But certainly not her.

She slipped under the covers and finally fell asleep.

*

Beau was down. Beau was down and she’s not moving. Beau was down and not moving and Jester hadn’t been able to protect her.

She didn’t hear herself screaming, but she must have, seeing how the others were now looking at her. Fjord was right next to Beau dropping to his knees as soon as he finished the creature that had attacked them, Caleb was yelling too, somewhere in the distance, Nott was staring, wide-eyed and in shock, and Caduceus was running to the body. Jester moved on instinct, barely in control of herself, something primal and terrified now guiding her. She fell to her knees and yanked the diamond that Cad was holding and she pressed it to Beau’s chest, ready to revivify her friend.

“Please, Beau, please, come back to me,” she whimpered, her vision going blurry. “Traveler, I need her! She can’t leave me yet!”

She felt a familiar presence close, and she lifted her head to meet a pair of bright eyes hidden under a hood.

“Of course,” the Traveler said.

The diamond disappeared, but for a moment nothing happened.

“Beau,” she whispered. “Beau, please. I know, I should have told you sooner. I should have figured it out sooner.”

Her forehead touched Beau’s. She couldn’t die. Not before she’d had the chance to be honest with her. Not before she could tell Beau that she was in love with her.

Fjord was still sitting on the floor in front of her, holding his breath and waiting for the miracle.

“Everything I thought I needed to find in a man, I found in you. Stupid me, it took me so long,” she said her voice breaking.

And then Beau breathed again.

She gasped for air, one of her hands shooting up and instinctively grabbing Jester’s forearm. Her eyes opened, scared and confused for a moment, until they registered Jester’s face and then her face softened and relaxed, knowing that whenever she was, Jester was there.

“Jess-“

She was interrupted by Jester’s sudden hug.

“You’re alive, Beau, you’re _alive_,” she cried. “I’m so sorry, I should have protected you, Beau!”

She felt Beau’s arms wrap around her. “You brought me back.”

“I did!”

“You’re amazing.”

Jester laughed through the tears.

“I should have told you,” she whispered. “I thought it was too late.”

“Told me what?”

They were interrupted by the others, who, after a moment to draw their breath in relief, threw themselves on Beau, almost suffocating her. Jester heard Caleb thank the gods in Zemnian, Nott yell somewhere in the pile, Caduceus’ _we’re glad you’re back_. Fjord was silent, but he was holding Beau the tightest.

When the others finally let Beau breathe, her attention immediately went back to Jester, as the rest of the group started looking for loot in the chamber they were in.

“What did you want to tell me?”

Jester took Beau’s hand. She held it for a moment, then tenderly placed it on her chest.

“It took me so long to understand. I thought I couldn’t tell you, but I can’t watch you die again without you knowing that… that my heart belongs to you.” She was shaking. “I thought I needed a man. Turns out I just needed my best friend.”

Beau was looking at her expressionless and for a terrifying moment Jester thought she had made a mistake and tried to take back what she had just said.

“JustkiddingitwasajokeI-“

Beau shut her up with a kiss. It was soft, and this time the lips didn’t taste of salt and seawater. They tasted like… blood. Not an improvement.

But, _gods_, wasn’t that kiss right, though?

When they parted, Jester couldn’t breathe for a moment. She didn’t even check if the others had seen the kiss or not. All she could see were Beau’s eyes and all the tenderness in them.

“I love you, Jess,” whispered Beau.

“I love you too, Beau.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated, thank you :)


End file.
